Secrets Revealed
by SongsofPsyche1945
Summary: Lupin finds out Sirius's well kept secret. Marauders era, slightly AU. Trigger warning; self harm.


Trigger warning: major self-harm in this chapter, please read with care.

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The Marauders had been walking towards the Quittich World Cup campsite for several days now. Mr. Potter—James's father had managed to get them top notch seats for this year's tournament, and Remus Lupin couldn't be happier. Even though this year the cup was set in the Black Forest, which had magical properties that made it difficult to apparate straight to the campsite. Mr. Potter had thought that backpacking for a few days (something muggles did for fun) might keep James from going hyperactive with excitement. Lupin smiled as he watched James run ahead of the group, loping through the trees like a gazelle on a speeding charm. This was a fine way to start their 6th year at Hogwarts, and it got him out of his small flat for the remainder of the summer.

He was even more grateful that this time the cup didn't happen during a full moon—he would be able to enjoy it thoroughly without worrying about his little…problem. Even though he was happy to be heading towards the campsite a small part of Remus couldn't help but worry about his Sirius, who through out this entire trip had become quieter and quieter every day. James was too excited about to cup to see the difference in his friendd, and Sirius put on a pretty good show. But Lupin was more observant than James, he could see that after a while, Sirius's smile began to fade and his handsome features would grow darker. Sirius seemed to know that Lupin was on to him though, because even since they had started hiking, he had avoided being alone with him.

"Stop worrying so much, you know he can take care of himself. Cheer up Remus, soon you will finally see the world cup game" he constantly told himself.

When it became too dark to hike any longer, they set up camp for the night near a small river. Mr. Potter was especially excited to use their brand new tent (it had 4 bedrooms, a library and a hot tub inside), and even more excited to "pretend to be muggles for the night". He immediately began preparing some sort of delicious stew for them (magically produced by his wand, of course). After they had eaten, Mr. Potter retired into the tent early, leaving James, Lupin and Peter (who was always so quiet they sometimes forgot he was there) alone by the fire. Sirius had once again disappeared, saying he was going for a walk. Before he had gone inside the tend, Mr. Potter had nudged James with his toe "James, can you be a good help to us and wash these dishes other there by the river? Yes, I know it's a little harder the muggle way but remember; too much magic will attract the nargals." and pointed to the pile.

James had smiled his carefree smile, "Sure thing!"

He waited until his father had gone back inside the tent to look at Lupin.

"Remus, I am just so sore from hiking. Do you think you could do these for me? Just this one night?" he pleaded, hazel eyes growing bigger under his glasses.

Grumbling, Remus took the dishes and walked towards the river, using his wand to cast a bright light to guide his way in the darkening forest.

"I always do them. What happened to using magic anyway? For just once I would like to see James do them himself, or Peter or Sirius but no its always "Mr. Lupin can you wash these dishes for me?" Do them yourself —-or better use use magic! I'm not your house-"

But his thoughts were cut off by a bright something in the water that caught his eye. Remus put down the pot he was rinsing and raised his wand higher; it was blood. Though it only was a thin line, it still flowed with an intensity that indicated that whoever's or whatever's blood it was had been injured badly. Immediately he felt a sense of panic rise up in him. This forest was full of dark creatures, and even though they were perfectly safe with Mr. Potter, he still felt a strum of fear pound through his body.

"Is someone hurt? What do I do? Get Mr. Potter? Go see what it is?" He thought to himself.

"If someone is hurt, I should help them." He said out loud, trying to calm himself. He had done plenty of dangerous stuff at Hogwarts with James and Sirius, but he rarely ventured out on his own to seek danger. Then he stood up stuffing the dish towels in his pocket, held his wand up higher and began to follow the stream upwards.

He had not gone more than twenty steps when he came across a peculiar sight: Sirius, kneeling on the bank of the river. His dark hair covering his face as he focused intensely on the water. He had both wrists submerged in the river, a thin line a blood was trailing from them. Sirius's long leather fingerless gloves,—which he always wore— were put off to the side and next to them, was a small hunting knife. It blade was covered in dark red blood.

Remus quietly took two steps closer towards his friend to see exactly what was causing him to bleed so profusely and gave an involuntary gasp of horror for what he saw chilled him to the bone. Up and down Sirius's wrists were cuts. And somehow, deep down Remus knew that they were no accident.

Sirius remained where he was. Remus slowly walked towards him, and when he was close enough, put a hand on the his friend's shoulder. Sirius jumped with surprise, making the water splash and then flinched away from the Lupin's hand. Remus kneeled down next to him.

"Hello, Sirius." He said softly.

Sirius would not look friend in the eye, for he was ashamed at what was written across both wrists. Each cut across his wrist represented his deepest darkest insecurities and failures. No one really knew what went on at his home behind closed doors, no one knew that his father thought he was worthless, or that his mother ignored him completely. All because he believed in something different. It was getting harder and harder for him to stand his own in his house. His father was becoming more violent, his brother never gave up the chance to make him feel like he was a failure. Eventually, the feeling of being worthless built up too much inside of him, and he had resorted to the blade for release. He had kept it a secret, even from James, by hiding the scars under his long sleeves and gloves. No one ever knew, no ever suspected, until now. Remus had found him out. What would he say? Would he tell the others? What would James think?

Fortunately, Remus was not one to judge. He quietly reached into the river and pulled Sirius's hands out, and dabbed them dry with his washing towel. As he did this, he saw not only the new cuts but also many scars that were scattered up and down friend's wrists.

Remus then took out his wand, muttered a few choice words and neatly wrapped them both with white bandages. Sirius winced softly but let Lupin finish.

After he was done bandaging both wrists, Remus looked at Sirius's young face hidden underneath dark strands of hair. He wouldn't even look at him, he was so ashamed. Remus then reached out and put his hand under Sirius's chin, bringing his eyes to meet his.

"What's been going on, Sirius? Please don't say that you're fine. From what I see I know you're not. I can tell you have been hurting. You are a great wizard, and one of my dear friends, you do not deserve this."

Sirius turned his head away from Remus and looked down at his bandaged wrists.

"But I do." He whispered

"Why do you have so little faith in yourself? You are an amazing wizard; one of the top students at Hogwarts—you got a perfect O.W.L score—, the best beater Grinder has seen in decades, and best of all, my best , tell me what's troubling you."

Sirius sighed. "You will not understand."

"Try me." Remus challenged.

Sirius sighed again. He was so tired of hiding, so tired of pretending he was alright.

"You do not need to go into detail tonight, Sirius. I just want to understand so I can help." Remus added, suddenly afraid that his words before had been too harsh. To his surprise, Sirius nodded and turned to face him. Their eyes met for a second but then Sirius looked to the ground. Then Sirius began to talk;

"My family hates me. I try not to let it get to me but sometimes…sometimes when they tell me I'm worthless I believe it. Every time that I am home my father tells me he's disappointed in me, my mother tells me she wishes I was never born, my brother glares at me like I am a monster. I—I try to ignore—-let it just roll off my back but sometimes—sometimes it becomes so unbearable, so heavy that —-this…..this is the only way that helps.."

"Oh Sirius" was all Remus could say.

He brushed his fingers light over the bandages, "One cut for every time my father struck me, one cut every time my mother told me she hated me.." Sirius eyes yet again met Remus's with a pleading look.

"I do not know what to do. They wont stop. I can't stop." he whispered softly, voice heavy with emotion.  
He leaned his head in and rested it on Remus's shoulder. Remus didn't need to guess what this was about, when they went to pick him up at Grimmlaud Place two days ago, there had been a darkening bruise on Sirius's cheek that he had desperately tried to hide behind his hair. If Mr. Potter or James had noticed, they hadn't said anything. Lupin had been waiting patiently for Sisirus to come to him to talk about it, but now he wished he had spoken up sooner.

Remus put a reassuring hand on his friend's back. "Its alright, Padfoot. Do not give up hope." He whispered. After a few minutes,Sirius leaned back into the sitting position. They sat there in silence for a little while, the only sounds were the from the river and the wind in the trees.

Remus did not know what to say next. Sirius's tale had shaken him down to the very core. It made him sad to see such a strong person fall so easily at the fault of others. Sirius needed his help, but he didn't know how to help him. Finally Remus sighed, and then said:

"You are one of the strongest people I know, and I do not think that you are worthless or disappointment or whatever else you were called. You are my best friend, Sirius, and I will always believe in you. "

Then Remus took both of Sirius's hands in his carefully, for he did not want to disturb the bandages on his wrists. He looked Siriusn the eye,

"I am no good at coming up with clever solutions to problems,. But I'll make you a promise, and in return you have to promise me something, alright?

Sirius nodded shakily, and Remus saw the his eyes turn glassy.

"My promise to you is that I will try the hardest to make sure no more scars become a burden on these wrists. I will try my hardest to support you in any way possible. You have my faith until the very end, Sirius. But only, if you promise that if you ever feel like you need to cut, to come talk to me. Don't do this to yourself anymore. We will figure out a solution that will not cause you any more harm. I will always be here for you, and so will James, and Peter. We are The Marauders. We will always watch out and take care of each other."

Sirius nodded again, but remained silent. Remus squeezed his hands that were still held in his.

"Do you promise?" he asked

Sirius nodded and looked up, "Yes" he whispered and smiled slightly.

Remus smiled back then handed Sirius his gloves. Sirius carefully put them on over the bandages.

"Please don't tell the others.." Sirius requested just as Remus was about to mention saying something to James, but he swallowed his thought.

"Your secret is safe with me" Remus half-promised, smiling at his friend. He had already made up his mind to speak with James though. No one should have to suffer like this, and if there was anyone that could truly help Sirius, it would be James.

It was not until then that Remus noticed how dark it had gotten.

"Oh my, I still have all those dishes to get to! Excuse me, Sirius but if I don't get to them right away, Mr. Potter will have my head—-or maybe I shouldn't do them. It would be nice for James to get in trouble for once. Come on, let's head back together" He stood up, and patted Sirius's back, then offered him a hand up.

Sirius looked up at him and gave him a watery smile. "Thank you, Remus." Lupin nodded, and accepted the offer and stood up.

"I've had a thought….what if we jinxed the pots and pans to follow James around until their washed? That'll teach him to offset the chore on you." Sirius said with a mischievous grin.

Lupin smiled at the thought of James running a muck in the forest with soapy dishes chasing after him.

"That sounds hilarious….let's do it." he said, for once giving into one of Sirius's mad ideas.

As Remus watched Sirius pull out his wand and start muttering spells, Remus considered the dilemma he had just put himself in. Yes, it was sad that Sirius had to resort to harming himself to contend with his difficulties but, there must be another way. It also made Remus boil with fury Sirius's whole family. How could do that, to their own son? And James, how could he not know? The idea was just absurd, since they spend so much time together. If James did know, he was doing nothing to help. As he helped Sirius pick up the now enchanted dishes, he made up his mind; he must tell someone, before this got out of hand. Now he just had to pluck up the courage to actually say it, at the right moment.

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